The last few weeks’ events have turned our life upside down. We’re in the process of refurbishing our kitchen and although we have planned it for sometime, I didn’t realise we would decide so soon. Initially we thought the kitchen would be a perfect project for next summer and as it turned out, we decided to go ahead with it after falling in love with a kitchen on a display window. 

The dreaming, the deciding and the planning were all exciting but to have my house turned into a construction site is not so delightful. I never realised that it would have such a negative effect on me emotionally and psychologically. I know fully well that in the end it will be all worth it and that I would love the end result but there were times when the dust, the chaos and the mess puts a strain into everyday life. As most of you know, I love to cook and our lives revolve around the kitchen. The kitchen is the heart of our home and for it to be missing from our lives, even for a short while, is surprisingly distressing.

The kitchen after all the units and floor tiles were taken

Today as I stood in the middle of the kitchen I could see that it’s beginning to take shape. Amongst the mess and dust, I could see the beautiful floor and the tiles on the wall. Inspired by the surge of positive feeling, I began to clear up some of the mess and to mop off the dust. All of a sudden, the kitchen was no longer a bomb site but instead before me is a beautiful room. I started to visualise the kitchen work tops, the sink and the appliances in place, and the thought made me happy. I began to relax and appreciate the process of this project.

I guess my problem with dealing with such a big project like this, is my biggest flaw which is impatience. My impatience tends to make my life more difficult for myself and for those around me. I know that having a kitchen done has its stages and processes but for the most part, I tend to whine why things can’t be finished sooner.  

So what did I learn from all this? I began to realise that all I see is scattered pieces. Scattered pieces of me, my life, the project, work, etc. At times I often wonder where the connecting thread is and how can I can pull this together quicker to see the bigger picture. I’ve learned there are pieces to every whole; yet each piece is complete. I need not worry how they will come together but instead appreciate the work on a particular piece that’s before me – the piece that’s in my life today. I need to trust more in the process and enjoy the developmental stages whether I’m working on a kitchen project or any other goals I have in life. I know the scattered pieces will come together and I guess the connecting thread is patience.

The picture will be beautiful – wait and see.

PS. I will post some more pictures when it’s finished

There are different types of handicaps. Some handicaps are physical wherein the body has certain limitations in its functionality and use. There are also emotional handicaps when our mind and heart are dealing with difficult past/present issues, traumas, and phobias. We all have confronted at one point in our life emotional setbacks whether it’s grieving over a loss of a loved one, suffering from traumatic experience or illness, addiction, rejection, etc.

I’ve had my share of emotional setbacks and one of them was childhood abuse and later on in my adulthood, domestic violence at the hand of a man who I thought cared for me. My traumatic experience as a child sent me through a roller coaster ride of negative emotions and the bottom-line of it, is pain. And then along came guilt, self-pity and insecurity to a point I developed an eating disorder, bulimia at the age of 14. Curing bulimia itself was a lot easier compared to dealing with what caused it in the first place. The doctors managed to save my life; however, it didn’t resolve the inner turmoil I was suffering emotionally and psychologically.

In as much as I wanted the pain to go away, certain events, places or people triggered some horrific memories especially when I met my ex-boyfriend who started to beat me during our relationship. For a long time, I suffered from nightmares and a sleeping disorder which left me in a state of confusion and at worst, complete mess right through adulthood. I was ashamed and embarrassed that I dared not tell anyone – not a single soul.  Feeling left on my own to battle with my demons, I was afraid that my guilt would lead me back to my self-destructive ways. How do I get rid of these demons inside me? How do I make the pain go? How can I ever trust again? One day, I gathered up my courage and walked away from my violent ex-boyfriend but I was left in tatters. I was emotionally spent.

Days went on, and the more I thought about the pain and guilt I suffered, the more I began to realise that I will never be able to get rid of the bad memories nor will I be able to make the pain  go away. It will always be a part of me – part of my experience.  No amount of self-beating and self-harming will change the fact that the pain and the memory is here to stay. Even if I tried my best to forget and move on, eventually my past will find a way to catch up and haunt me.  I had two choices – either I give up and be defeated or embrace my pain and learn to work my way around it.

Eventually, I began to understand that I was living and working with a handicap – an emotional handicap.  I needed to learn how to adjust my life and work around my pain and guilt, and learn my weakness and how to use my strength to my advantage. A lot of this realisation came about after I met my husband who has been my punching bag ever since we met. He has been a solid wall by my side and I believe much of my battle was an endurance test for him stretching him to the limits of his patience, willpower and faith as I began to relive my painful secret. The moment I embraced the heartaches and guilt, it became easier to live with my handicap and my attitude and perspective changed.  Slowly, I was able to move forward and live my life once again.

There are still days when I still ask myself, “Why me? What did I do wrong?” But I learned to fight self-reproach and pessimism by focusing on day to day goals. As hubby often would say, “Look forward…” I began to see a fighter that’s always been in me but never acknowledged as I progressed with my healing. I’ve had more moments of doubt and despair than I can count and more knocks than seemed fair or possible. As a result I’ve learned to spot an opportunity in every setback and the gift in every problem.

This post is not a manual on how to live with an emotional handicap. It’s about facing life’s challenges and believing mountains can be moved. It doesn’t matter what your wake-up call is. Mine happened to be childhood abuse and later on in life domestic violence. What matters is the way you respond when it comes. You can sit on the fence and do nothing, but all you’ll get is a sore bum. Or you can take your challenges in both arms, thank them for the lessons they bring and live your life with passion, determination, courage and humour.

Some of us are living with handicaps. Some will change overtime, but others won’t. If that’s the case, stop waiting for your handicap to disappear. Instead decide to live with it. Work around it. Allow yourself to feel and experience all the limitations and emotions of your present situation. Accept them. Let them be a part of you, part of your experience.

Antonia Blanca, author of Lifting Me Up has organised a Digital Scavenger Hunt wherein participants have to capture or illustrate an image they feel matches the theme they are given.

These are the theme and my images:

1. Concrete
2. Energy
3. Lost
4. Dance
5. Autumn
6. Smile
7. Confusion
8. Funny

Concrete

Roger Federer, has not only left his mark in sporting history but also on this pavement in Barcelona.

Energy

These windmills seem to be out of place in this beautiful scenery but are essential to generate electricity.

Lost

His face seem to be saying, where am I. This photo was taken in the animal park.

Dance

This photo was taken in Terra Natura park near where we live. I believe the dancer is a gypsy. I really enjoyed this little performance as well as their costumes.

Autumn

We’re having a long indian summer and as such we hardly get a proper Autumn season. Does a cloudy day count?

Smile

Hubby is making this gorgeous little girl smile. She is the daughter of a friend.

Confusion

He looks like in a pensive mood rather than confuse. I counldn’t quite capture the confusion he is going through.

Funny

Either my friends were laughing at me or at some private joke.

Participants of the Digital Scavenger Hunt

• Lifting Me Up
• The Maxwell’s Madness
• Jay.Me
• Photography by Hank Plumley
• Holly & Sage
• Pink Dandy Chatter
• Soul Energy
• Click ‘N Light
• Be Your Own Detective
• Jerome Aoustin Photography
• Life, The Universe…
• Water Cooler
• FreakSmack
• CookieVision
• Caught By Our Eyes
• The Sci-Fi Gene
• Kent Today & Yesterday

The first few days of work for this season have been stressful which was to be expected really.  I think I was mentally fatigued from all the unnecessary worrying I do – Is everything in place? Will everything be alright?  Is everything functioning? Are the clients happy? On top of all my worrying, my computer broke down – so you can imagine my distress.

Anyway, yesterday, I was a little bit tense and my head was full of things I needed to do for work and at home. As we left to go home, I eased up a bit, sat back and reflected on that day’s event while hubby drove the car. I was such a silly goose for making myself sick with worry – everything was just fine.

On the way home, I tried to release the tension by focusing my mind on something else. I focused on the trees by the roadside.  There were all sorts of trees but I’m never good at identifying them. A few of them looked quite old but still stood tall and proud. Some grew with roots connected and some stood alone. There were hundreds of them along the side of the road and up towards the mountains. Looking at them, I felt a lot calmer.

For many years these trees have been here patiently seeing things through – hardly anything ever ruffled them. They just kept on growing – steadily, peacefully and calmly. They have been through enough, seen enough to know not to worry. Things do work out.

Sometimes I wish I was like one of those old trees by the roadside – never hurrying nor worrying. It would be wonderful to have their patience and calm more often. Things happen, life goes on and people change but I can be calm and know that, always, all is well.

How have you been lately?

The days are no longer unbearably hot and the nights are cooler. For us summer is over and work is just a few days away.  There is a sense of sadness and excitement all at the same time. Sadness because our summer break has been glorious and it’s almost over and excitement because a new season of work awaits us. Even our dogs feel uneasy as the mood changes in the household.

I have started to put away some of the summer furniture even though the weather outside is still glorious. I have packed away some of the summer clothing and prepared our clothes for work. The house has been de-cluttered countless of times and cleaned from top to bottom. It’s like preparing for a New Year to a point of ridiculousness. All my running about makes my husband very edgy as I go around ticking all the checklists.

We’ve done these preparations countless of time before and we’ve always done it with military precision. I guess we’re just not keen on the upheaval and the preparation aspect of it. I wish we could just walk in and get on with the season – like skip the boring part and get on with the fun part.  It would be so much better. However, despite my lack of enthusiasm with the preparations, I do look forward to seeing our staff refreshed from their summer holiday as well as our beloved loyal customers.  

This afternoon as I was sat outside on the porch drinking coffee and going over the events of the last few days, I was thinking about the beautiful summer we’ve had. It’s so easy to think that summer and the beautiful feeling that comes with it will last forever but look at how quickly time flew by.

Just a few days ago as we enjoyed a drive to the famous cave of Cuevas de Canelobre, in the space of few hours we saw mountains, dusty plains, turquoise blue beaches, green valleys and a gigantic waterfall. And then my mind wandered to today’s events – I saw courage, faith, despair, anger, healing and joy. I smiled at this and began to reminisce  on the summer gone by –  we’ve tended to our garden, hosted BBQ parties, enjoyed romantic dinners with hubby, revived my blog, socialised with friends, gave home to a couple of amazing dogs and so much more. I thought if there’s one thing that’s true, it’s this; the universe is always changing and forever evolving. Same applies to each moment in our lives – the feelings and the experiences.

We are continually changing, shifting and each new day or season is never the same.  Each emotion, attitude and experience – each piece of scenery – leads to the next. Put them all together and what do you get? A grand journey – an exciting trip that leads to someplace worth being, each moment you are here.

As I drank the last drop of my coffee, I smiled at the significance of the conclusion I came up with. Then this music came up, Everyday by Buddy Holly -how very fitting! 

I whispered to myself, “Here’s to a new season…bring it on!”